I looked.
It was like seeing an old, familiar face I hadn't seen in while (maybe because it was just that). I felt all the similar things you would feel when you see an old friend again after having been apart. It was like I was reunited with myself. I really enjoyed it. After I'd caught up with myself for a while, I noticed (unsurprisingly, really) that I didn't look all that different. Then I got excited about how long my hair seemed to be getting. And then I noticed just how much my eyebrows needed sorting.
The first forty-eight hours of mirror reunited life were peculiar. Every time I came across a mirror or a reflection of myself I had to double check whether or not it was ok to look. I would glance at myself, look away, and then realise I was allowed, so look again.
It's been 5 days now. I've looked at myself a fair few times now. It scares me a little that I'm going back into old habits and come away unchanged. This is why I've decided to no longer have a mirror in my bedroom. Being able to go back to my room in the evenings and get changed without thinking about what others thought about how I looked during the day has been one of my favourite perks of the challenge. Sitting in my bed and not getting distracted by my thoughts triggered by a glance into the mirror has also been wonderful. I want a healthy relationship with my mirror. I want to use my mirror as a means of enjoying my appearance, enjoying my hair style and my make-up and my outfit and my face and body and skin. Not as a tool that musters up and reinforces insecurities. Not as a critical presence in my life. Not as something I dread looking into. Not anymore.
So I'm going to keep looking, but only when I'm using it to get ready, and only when it is conjuring up positive thoughts. I'm aware I'm not always going to like what I see, and that's ok, I'm just going to have to learn to walk away. Walk away when I'm not using it for any real purpose. Walk away when those 'not good enough' thoughts creep in, because staring at them is not going to help me understand that I am in fact, more than good enough.
